S1 E4: The Neuroscience Behind Relationships

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hi I’m dr. Caroline leaf and welcome to my show the dr. leaf show if you haven’t subscribed yet just press the little subscribe button at the bottom of your screen and you’ll be notified when new episodes come out and you’ll be kept up to date with all things relating to the mind and mental health in today’s episode I’m so excited because I’m going to be talking to you about the neuroscience behind relationships the role that you had the male-female brain works and this is always such an interesting topic and something that I hadn’t loved researching I’ve written a book about it called who switched off your brain the mystery of he-said she-said something you actually can solve and I have found that being science into my relationship and an understanding of the human brain has been a very very very powerful way of improving my relationship so in the studio with me today I have my very handsome wonderful husband thank you so we are going to talk about the science in relationships and I’m going to be Mexican awesome questions and answer you’re gonna be forgot a model brain here and I’m going to be talking about things that are in this book and there’s lots of tips in this book in fact if you flicks through the pages of this book you’ll find jumping out at you are really amazing tips about science and how to apply this in your relationship it’s so important I mean all the books on the market today about male/female brain are just mainly stereotypes you know she talks too much or he does this and he does that nobody can really these are just statements they don’t really mean much until you get into the science I think it’s the best predictor or best help a person can have you know it gives you a tangible tool to latch on to you know why do men get angry more quicker than women for example it’s a really good one it’s a really good one and you’ve raised two really relevant points no matter I’m going to start off the science discussion with those the first is the stereotype concept where people are very quick to label it stereotype people and say things like women are wasting this woman who is you know always talk too much and main laughs and woman too many motions and mean you know and she all these labels of books we’ve got to be careful that we don’t just get stuck in a negative toxic cycle so essentially first and foremost something that I always stress is that according to the structure of the human brain the law of the human brain is diversity and what that means is that there is a an absolute and utter uniqueness in each and every one of us so whether you’re male or female your brain is completely different to anyone else so that’s always my premise then I start with is your uniqueness and then I go on to the fact that you express your uniqueness through your maleness and your femaleness and that adds another layer to your uniqueness but research has shown that is definitely different differences in the male female brain and those differences are fascinating and the main difference is in the size of structures and the amount of circuits in circuitry in different areas of the brain in males and females so for example if you look at this if you look at this model of the brain the front part of the hue of the female brain is bigger then then the back part and it’s the opposite in males males have a bigger part in the back and the front although we all have the same thing and that structural change makes a complete difference in how a person can intellectualize I mean how person intellectualize so women and men intellectualize differently but both are brilliant and equally powerful bringing two sides together being two sides of the coin together in fact we spoke about a little bit of this in terms of how it applies in a previous show that making either together on relationships and the difference in intellectualizing but when I think we should talk about now is their argument thing because you mentioned about the argument thing yes so why do men get they get angry more quicker than the woman exactly you know and then they they they get they get out of it quicker than life exactly so it’s some brain science behind that so if we have a look and I know this is kind of a scary looking skull so it just gives you a good idea in terms of positioning the is if you go from the top of the nose so this area and we look inside the brain we find deep down inside there that is a set of structures and one of the parts of those these different parts and the amygdala is one of those parts and the amygdalas got two parts to it it’s about size of an almond and if this is a male and female obviously and what we find is that this is the amygdalas very involved in your your perception so perception is kind of the information and emotions all mixed up together and how you’re perceiving that situation so very often the amygdala store food to the emotional part of the brain or the part of the brain that controls the fear reaction and that’s not really accurate but it’s kind of sort of accurate see the point here is that in the male and female they’re different sizes so it’s slightly bigger in the slightly bigger in the female than in the male in one part of the amygdala and that makes a significant difference in how the female actually functions and handles handles emotions and stress and anger versus the male that amygdala is connected to the front part of the brain so where I’m touching where I’m touching my eye between my eyes now so the fun part of the brain there deep down inside that part of the brain the amygdala connects to that and it makes like a kind of like a little triangle between that part of the brain the amygdala which is kind of behind the nose and you’ve got this this business link but you they’re going between the two and it also goes back past another little structure called the hypothalamus which is we’re gonna put some if you look on the screen I’m going to show you some pictures in the screen of these three things so there’s this triangle between the frontal lobe and thus amygdala frontal lobe in decision-making introspection deep thinking analysis asking aren’t you discussing observing yourself will you thinking oh that’s kind of happening around the front of the brain your Mick de leurs involved with the emotional perceptions so here now we’ve got a situation that arises and the male and female are having an argument so maybe Mack and I got irritated or something about something and a situation happens now we’ve got this this signal of the situation moving through our brain because our mind and our brain or separate so as a female I’m perceiving it as a male makes perceiving it with both our minds go into action and we now have a situation that could heat up and become a huge argument if we do things wrong so let’s come back to the amygdala and the frontal lobe in a male this is a very direct link and it makes like it’s like a little short link and it’s got a bit of a triangular shape the circuit dealing with ethnic deep thinking about an incoming situation and the emotional perception in a female is an extra loop that kind of goes up like this around the top of round the top of the skull so there’s an extra little loop see this is very simplistic information of what happens in the brain but it gives you an idea so what that means however is that a man has a shorter fuse so men will get in general I’m obviously generalizing this voice remember always there’s uniqueness that influences how a person functions I think that’s very important is an eclectic notion for every lesson forget do you sort of know and over time how people self-regulate and so on so that little fuse is very direct in a male and they get angry quicker and they will calm down quicker because it’s a shorter fuse woman take longer to get because I put the extra little do take longer to get angry but they’ll stay and green longer take longer to calm down and that’s quite significant because I know there’s been times when you know I’ve had an argument and and like we’ve said sorry whatever and you attack it’s you type it for you it’s over and you’re moving on to the next thing and you acting like nothing’s happened then you grabbing me and giving me a kiss and I’m kind of still irritated with you you know given you and we resolved it but they still a level of frustration and irritation and that’s because my loop is still got to calm down there’s still a bit of circuitry and firing and wiring that’s got to calm down because I’ve passed through this extra loop in the brain so in order to facilitate to help the female in your life that could be a wife it could be your girlfriend it could be your your your a mother and a father to a daughter work colleague the opposite sex just to bear in mind if a woman seems to be taking longer to calm down and cool down after an argument a really great way of helping is to be very loving and trusting so I find that when MEK and loving in time when met just gives me a hug he says okay or he smiles or does something silly just that neutralizing of the situation can help the woman calm down so much quicker well it’s an understanding also I mean you would generate or you’d have so much more cortisol flying Menace in the female brain was the the argument so I wouldn’t want you to have that much cortisol when I’m wanting our start fitting all lovey-dovey exactly Bex raised a very good point that’s actually quite funny when we go into a state of anger we release our body goes into the stink to the stress response so when we manage our anger well then the stress response will work for us when you manage it wrong to work against us and one of the things that happens for the stress response is that your brain releases a lot of cortisol male and female but because of that short circuit in the male it’s controlled quicker there’s cortisol levels go back to a normal state pretty quickly and lace the man is suppressing an inner toxic state then that doesn’t happen in the female takes a little longer for the cortisol levels to drop down back to a normal state and that can affect her ability to want to be more in more physical with it with her with a husband or partner so that’s what make is saying this so if you want if you want to get all huggy and and lovey-dovey is make the same with your partner then you’re going to want to be very very loving so that’s when you tell her that she’s right you begin with the organic chocolates that you always wrong whatever I mean I’m just making a joke but the more you are loving toward your spouse to change the brain chemistry you create a completely different quantum state in the brain and it actually helps you to calm down and I mean this works like I mean science is incredible to tell you that because once you realize that then you know you don’t want to stay angry you know make your wife madder than you should do you remember you told me about that experiment with the business thinks about that okay so this is a really excellent study so they took couples and they put them into laboratories into the inter research laboratory and they put them into little cubicles just before they put them into the cubicle they put little blisters on their hands now what our body does is it bursts when we have any kind of damage in our body and you know thought like it takes cycles of 21 days for the body to heal for the pro-inflammatory factors to be released and various different herbs for stem cells to form and for healing to take place so generally works in cycles of 21 days and sometimes if it’s depending on the label of damage it’ll take as many cycles as your body needs for healing to take place so with this experiment they put these little blisters on that then you would take around about three weeks to heal around about 21 days and then put the part of these couples into these cubicles and they told them to have an argument and you know it’s kind of hard to just fabricate an argument inside a cubicle so they try to make it as private as possible and they said you know they put the people reading the studies said okay well what is a controversial subject just stop talking about that and just do it how you would normally do it at home if no one was watching you and I got into these couples really got into it and some were arguing in a really like you know agreeing to disagree getting kind of heated but it wasn’t it it was it was not a toxic environment others were getting a little madder and some were just downright nasty now here’s the interesting part these couples went away came back to the laboratory after three weeks and they checked the blisters to see how the healing had happened I had eight the healing it happened like it should have manifested and what they found was that the blisters had actually disappeared on the couples that agreed to disagree and who managed that that bended arguments in a positive way even though they disagreed and maybe raised their voices and maybe even got a little irritated they dealt with it however they resolved it they discussed that they somehow worked out something that wasn’t toxic the ones that were downright nasty and sarcastic and mean very interesting they blisters weren’t healed some of them only had like a 20% healing some had a 40% healing some only had a some had a 60% healing the point is that your immune system is affected your body is affected by your minds reactions to your in within your relationship so your mind in this situation that these people’s minds were affecting their body’s ability to release all the healing factors in the body to heal the blister here’s the takeaway from the study they were in a controlled environment and in the controlled environment people’s immune systems were affected by up to percent so the effectiveness of the immune system to heal the body in these natural cycles of 21 days was reduced by up to 60% from a controlled laboratory argument what is happening to those arguments out there that are completely toxic what are we doing to each other am I getting so angry and just keeping that anger keeping it inside and not talking to each other and silent treatments I don’t need you damaging your means I’m just being lost it to your spouse every time you nice you’re not only are you damaging your own immune system but you’re damaging the immune system of your partner you’re damaging not just joy moon system you’re actually causing brain damage you’re influencing in a negative way how your genes are expressing you’re basically creating a complete vulnerability to illness and disease by 75 to 98% you’re changing the quantum energy and electromagnetic energy you’re pretty much messing up your brain and your body I mean is it worth it it’s completely unnatural to do it and this is where we have to learn to discipline our emotions because very often the information of the argument the reason why you’re getting so mad at each other and staying so mad and getting so harsh is because toxic Eggman’s have built up in relationships and you haven’t chosen to control the patterns that you’ve developed in your relationship and this is what causes relationship breakdowns and when you get sick in relations you’re not spending the time what did you say the unexamined life Socrates want to say that the unexamined life is not worth living so this random thoughts if you’re not dealing with them you know you’re just reacting just the reaction how many times through development of a habit you just react you know I met so bad because that means you’re gonna set off that cycle in the amygdala you’re gonna get your own thing and it’s a male-male fuse and what can happen in that Mel even though the little fuses shortly you know from the amygdala to the frontal lobe like I mentioned the beginning of this program that little fuse if ever males toxic that fuse keeps reigniting and reigniting and Meghna in reigniting and supposed to do that it’s supposed to be used to make the mail more focus that’s so good in the male and the female is to increase your emotional perceptions of the GUI you actually solve regulate your emotions so what’s you what’s been designed in your brain to help you regulate your emotions if you are toxic it actually works against you and you lose your ability to regulate so something good goes bad and then your body suffers as a result and this is why I love brain science this is why I love quantum physics this is why I love science because it gives us the knowledge of how we work how we function so that we can be better humans and we can be better in our relationships amazing I mean also sometimes when we create I mean obviously mechanize getting better at this all the time and because we know this stuff and even still fall but we’re catching ourselves so quickly now that’d be fun we are increasing our software if you know we’ll the side effects call them slightly faster exactly advisement prescription drugs the side effects they should have these things in argument side effects that’s brilliant yeah we should have the disease obviously thinking side effects yeah it’s like those antidepressant ads and even on the bottom it says if you take this you’re gonna die you’re gonna lose your libido you’re gonna and all these terrible things that will happen we should actually say that when you argue you are going to cause brain damage you’re going to victory music video anyway if you constantly exactly if you’re constantly arguing it the six life is affected in home and sex is a really important part of a relationship when you are in a sick and in a relationship sexual part intimacy is is is vital in improving communication it is a huge part of communication it creates a complete change in how your neurotransmitters function how your body functions and it creates such a connection between you and your partner that you just love each other more and more and more there’s a glow and increases your health increases your longevity and increase increases your peace increases two intelligence increases your wisdom it is just endless benefits to our healthy sex life and it’s extra extremely satisfying in terms of just getting to know each other and and literally when you are when you are having in sexual intimacy with your partner you are building person in your head because it’s a relationship there’s a signal that’s going on between the two of you there’s the bodily contact there’s the exchange of bodily fluids I mean between graphic here but this is this is sex and you basically building the other partner in your head and so that’s why when you’re apart from each other is this longing you know you’re calling to each other this this this this connection that is built and there’s a whole quantum explanation for there to the girl entanglement well I think I don’t know what it is but they don’t seem to talk about as much in churches so oh they should you know it’s very important we bought all four kids up mean our kids are 20 21 23 24 and 26 and we we have bought them up very open about six and explaining the benefits of a healthy monogamous sex life and having a loving relationship because it’s incredibly brain boosting and it does so much good for you in terms of really single derived neurotransmitters at the right time I mean look at the kissing thing that’s waste fascinating is when you kiss someone and then have a hundred times more testosterone than a female and testosterone is very important and you’re a transmitter for all kinds of things in male and female and is there’s obviously just I’m kissing you tell you neither these men you’ve distracted me now okay that’s good good distraction so testosterone it’s got many important functions for heart and health in a male and female and for general functioning in a man and female but when you kiss obviously not a pic of the cheetah proper kiss you are transferring and the male is transferring testosterone to the female in the saliva and that increases the sexual response and it increases the intimate desire I don’t you to think that you’re just your brain remember you’re not your brain your brain in your mind or sacred it’s not your brain controlling you I fell in love with met with my mind my brain is trained to respond so when I go through these when you when you live your life with your mind your brain and body respond so when you’re kissing this it’s cool they call it means in this research a chemical Mickey is passed from the male to the female and it increases the sexual response in an increase the desire for each other and it’s it’s the body and prepares the body for the sexual for sexual interaction so it’s a really important part of intimacy in bonding I was telling this immature Camila’s back in South Africa about 20 years ago or 15 or something like that and the pastor in the front of the church actually was sitting in the front of the church and he fell off his chair laughing he started laughing so much and so he’s you know I stopped and said what’s so funny about what I mean it’s kind of funny to think of a chemical making all that but I don’t he was that funny anyway he said that he turned to his wife and he said that’s how I got you and she said how he said I spit in your drink hmm she said that’s gross space in your soda so well that’s gross but anyway I mean that’s a funny story but at the end of the day there is a chemical response and and a brain response to everything that we do and we control that and we either will make it work for us psycho neuro immunology is the science mind and neuro space is brain and immunology is how the whole immune system functions in terms of healing it’s a whole science and there’s many different Sciences that explain this mind brain connection and it’s just so easy and useful to help improve relationships so I encourage you to get your hands on this book who switched off your brain you’ll see on the bottom of the screen how to get this from dr.

Leif calm the mystery of he-said she-said I cover so much in here you know like this only we’ll have to do another another stem showing this because there’s so many things I talk about I mean just things like Mane hair differently to women like men here women here much higher sounds and then high frequency woman see differently to men right from the extol we feel differently you know in any ten-second time frame a woman will have up to six different facial expressions and a man in that same 10 second time frame will only have maybe one or two and if you don’t know that as a man and feel and you know that alone can cause so many relationship issues because a man feels like the woman so like earlier in his face that he can’t respond where as if he understands that her way of communicating and she understands you’re not being flat emotionally that’s his way of communicating it can avoid arguments so there’s all kinds of things like you’re more than your gene how to choose seeing hearing emotions stress before it’s communication there’s so many things they will be doing more shows than that as well but thank you for joining me today with me I really think that I hope this is going to help you understanding the brain science behind relationships and thank you for joining me today I’m dr.

Caroline leaf and this is the dr. leaf show hi I’m dr. Caroline leaf and I’m so excited to tell you about my confidence of year we’ve got more sessions we’ve got so many new exciting things and one of the things I want to tell you about that’s amazing is my integrated mind network are going to be joining me again this is a group of an amazing doctors neurologist neuroscientist neurosurgeons in these PCPs endocrinologist OBGYNs brilliant brilliant men and woman who are going to be helping us to understand the mind brain connection in terms of science so there’s going to be a Q&A with them they’re going to be doing individual presentations it’s going to be mind-blowing because you’re going in the good sense because you’re going to be seeing a lot of just how you can apply your lifestyle changes from a medical scientific point of view because more sessions we’ve got so much happening join me this year in the same bar in Dallas at my 2018

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